BrokenEchoes

  There are too many souls here Making too many mistakes Causing too much damage I wander among them Each with distinct scents Each with their own gait Each with individual nuance I wonder about them None of us want this We all want to leave But we keep getting in each other's way Making too many mistakes Causing too much damage.

  What was once a dream That lived in the dark cave In the deepest unseen part of my mind Now sits openly, visible to anyone Under the bright fluorescent kitchen light On the table next to the salt shaker How much further can it go? What other miracles will it perform After clawing its way into existence?

  It grew quicker than I could have imagined It started small and manageable I should have dealt with it then I should have addressed it, and ended it It has grown large now, heavy Its mass increases more the longer I wait I have waited so long that I can no longer lift it off me So now it loiters, taking up more and more of my life Compressing my chest, taunting me,  I am powerless to solve this myself No help is coming Soon I will be crushed Soon I will be killed Under the weight of this neglected monstrosity.

  Two languages simultaneously One of love     The other of suspicion Telling of beauty and joy     And of secrets and lies Searching at ones sweet gaze Presenting the footprints of the dark garbed burglar Finding one nearby Being followed directly to all my hidden secrets.

  When we were young Before we understood the world We sought out small dark spaces We slid under the bed We climbed into the dryer We closed ourselves up in the pumphouse We disappeared into the crawlspace We found solace in the kitchen cabinets We searched out these cramped places That could be shut off from view We were hiding from the monster in our home We were always found Now we are older I still shrink from the light I still pursue cramped dim hideaways I may always I hope you have fared better.

Neither of us is attentive I stopped listening when I was younger When he was younger too Back then he spoke in anger And listened to the bottle I shrank from his words Learned to distrust them I could say nothing that interested him He is older now, but communication hasn’t improved He listens to the book now Taking notice of little else He talks in feigned meekness Forgetting willfully the past barbarity My trust hasn’t recovered as fully as my bones His softer up-to-date language Does not penetrate my skin We talk,  but only superficially We speak, but it is formulaic And mundane We exchange words, But neither of us really says anything In a way The empty bland chatter hurts worse  Than the belts and backhands In another way It hurts far worse.

Myriad thoughts skitter across the surface of my brain Like a growing swarm of carrion beetles Each moves according to its own internal instinct Gnawing here, writhing there Crawling over one another Trying to find a way in The buzzing and churning are driving me mad Weakening my defenses In time I will succumb I will be infested with the vile scourge The fight will be over And I will have lost.

      When we happen to be in the same room By luck or fate or happenstance I urge each second to stretch To expand into minutes, days, lifetimes I want to live in the fleeting insignificant moments Drinking each small adjustment Studying each minute gesture Submerging myself in all of her words This is not to be The seconds slip by, rushed Minutes escape, moment by moment I stumble and stammer I feel clumsy and out of place and out of time My thoughts fall like pine cones on the forest floor The seconds burn away like dry brush in a fire And she is gone again I am left with sooty memories of scattered glimpses.

  Taking slow, measured steps Like walking in a minefield There is concealed danger in every direction Carnage a footstep away I am nearly paralyzed with fear But I can’t stay here I am wounded I need medical attention If I don’t get out of here, I will die I gingerly test the earth with each new step Knowing that the smallest mistake Will be catastrophic.

  I had a feeling Deep and disquieting I worried that this might happen There was a chance I could be wrong But I wasn’t To no one’s surprise, You met my abysmal expectations I am trying to help you I want to help you But you must contribute also If you want to get better You must put in the work Do you? Do you want to get better? I’ll keep trying if you will start.

  At sunrise the ritual will begin again I will be awakened at first light I will scrape the impurities from my skin Wrap myself with the ceremonial garments I must ingest the foul tonic A moment to embrace my family Craft my farewells Then I start the journey to the village square I will meet with the elders I will be questioned Guided Tested They will judge me If I am deemed worthy, the ritual will repeat If not, if the elders disapprove I will be banished To live a life outside Where resources are scarce Where I may starve, or worse With fortune I have pleased the elders so far I have lasted longer than most Every day I fear may be my last I must continue passing the tests I must continue winning their favor My life depends on repeating the ritual.

  I have been steadfast I have been honorable and dependable I have been consistent You have not My part has always been done Yours has not Now our journey is ended Our time together is over In all truth I couldn’t be happier Fate has smiled upon me A great burden has been lifted from me And the obstacles have been cleared from my path.

  Here we are again Same as before Nothing has changed We have no new plan We have no new information We keep trying And we keep failing I won’t last much longer We must make some progress We have to make this work Or I will fall apart Into lifeless chunks That crumble into fine dust That are carried away on the wind The atoms that I was Never to be reunited.

  It happens whenever this song plays I can hear her voice as she sings along Adding shape to the abstract And color to the unseen Her cadence ebbs as I inhale Flows as I exhale Her fingers snap along with my heartbeat During the chorus, she spins I get dizzy She is with me while the tune exists But gone when it is over As the music fades into oblivion So does she.

  I slowly pour myself into my coffee Dissolving quickly - seeking homeostasis I drink in the galaxies When I am sated and warm, I turn off my consciousness Lower my defenses And finally find peace I am one with the world The universe inside this warm mug welcomes me We are, combined, a new entity We are eternal And fragile Extraordinary and unknowable Isolated in this ceramic With tendrils expanding across the cosmos.

  I am almost there There are only a few miles left I can smell the cinnamon tea Steeping on the coffee table The goldfinch promises a song I can hear the porch swing creaking Nudged by a gentle wind And see the lightning bugs dance I can smell fresh cut grass And hear her singing somewhere  I eagerly await her warm embrace Then I will know I am home That is where I want to be I am almost there.