BrokenEchoes

  It grew quicker than I could have imagined It started small and manageable I should have dealt with it then I should have addressed it, and ended it It has grown large now, heavy Its mass increases more the longer I wait I have waited so long that I can no longer lift it off me So now it loiters, taking up more and more of my life Compressing my chest, taunting me,  I am powerless to solve this myself No help is coming Soon I will be crushed Soon I will be killed Under the weight of this neglected monstrosity.

  I find the afternoon to be painfully bright And sticky hot I am told that I should enjoy it “It’s a beautiful day” “Finally some good weather” “I’m glad we got us a warm day” But I am sweaty And squinting And surrounded by insects I am miserable and uncomfortable That isn’t what people want to hear Not on days like this “Yes, sir” “I agree” “Mighty fine day” I wonder if there are others like me Suffocating in this summer mask Longing for cooler weather, internally.

  New things are fresh for a day Old ones are rotten forever Once the novelty fades Everything is lumped together And it is all the same as it always was The flicker of peace dissolves Into the surrounding miasma of mundane Sometimes I feel that these short-lived moments Do not merit the necessary labor So much struggle For so little I remind myself that these tiny rewards Are all I have All I’ve ever had And all I dare hope for.

  I’m not comfortable there Never have been But I have to go I’ve put it off long enough I need to put it behind me Get it over with At least for a time I can do this I know that I can Because I have done it before I won’t be unchanged though This trip will leave its mark on me I am not who I was before the last trip When I return, I will not be who I am now But I must go I have put it off long enough.

  I’m going to leave I’m going to drive home I’m going to lock the door I’m going to have a drink I’m going to sit in a comfortable chair I’m going to close my eyes I’m going to ignore the world I’m going to feel better.

  We endured a long bleak winter In which no joy could grow Sorrows accumulated like snowflakes We longed for the warm rescue of spring It felt like it would never arrive I couldn’t find a way to help The drifts deepened The ground was frozen So we left We picked up our things and we left That frigid tundra may still be there But we don’t care Here the land is rich The sorrows are few And joy grows abundantly.

  I overslept I forgot my meds I broke a mug And hid the shards under other trash I didn’t want you to see The shattered cup Or the state of me I fed the cat I left for work I cried on the drive And dried my eyes before getting out I didn’t want you to see My silent struggle Or the state of me.

  I’ve seen enough beginnings To know how little significance they hold The new purple and yellow flowers of spring Are just as brown as everything else come fall The red-haired hopefulness of youth Goes grey, and regretful, and angry It is just the way things are Always decaying Engaged in the slow march of entropy Novelty dims As the new dream dies Replaced by an even deeper malaise We must resist the urge to celebrate We must repel the suggested promise of renewal Lest we be disappointed Forced to drink our fill of despair.

  My soul aches The dull pain seeps into my body Drains my spirit Breaks my heart I am no longer myself But a broken, misshapen version Of who I once was.

  I will make it I will survive this slump This funk This valley, though dark Is not where I will end. I will climb out of this lowland I will stand on the mountain again Not today Not this week But it will happen

 

  Life has worn me down I am little more than a lump of anguish All of my joy has been taken Dispersed What I can find of it are tiny sprinkled remnants I starve for it I need it greatly, But it is lost And so am I.