BrokenEchoes

  I’m not comfortable there Never have been But I have to go I’ve put it off long enough I need to put it behind me Get it over with At least for a time I can do this I know that I can Because I have done it before I won’t be unchanged though This trip will leave its mark on me I am not who I was before the last trip When I return, I will not be who I am now But I must go I have put it off long enough.

  I’m not the person you may remember The years have changed me I am older and greyer, but also I’ve trusted the wrong people Been led down some dark, dangerous roads Made some terrible decisions I haven’t known who I am for a while I can’t recognize the person in the mirror But I have made a change I reached my limit and I turned around I don’t have faith in those people anymore I’m trying to make better choices I am still old and grey But I am on a brighter path now Hopefully soon I’ll be back to my old self Someone you once knew.

  I’m going to leave I’m going to drive home I’m going to lock the door I’m going to have a drink I’m going to sit in a comfortable chair I’m going to close my eyes I’m going to ignore the world I’m going to feel better.

  I spent the morning in my head Reliving my recent failures Real or imagined  Vital or insignificant Then languishing in my grey mood Listening to the forbidden whispers Remind me that I am to blame It is all on me It is all my fault Then preparing for the day Making a plan Poking holes in the plan Reinforcing the plan Let’s see if it holds up Let’s see if today is a good day.

  We endured a long bleak winter In which no joy could grow Sorrows accumulated like snowflakes We longed for the warm rescue of spring It felt like it would never arrive I couldn’t find a way to help The drifts deepened The ground was frozen So we left We picked up our things and we left That frigid tundra may still be there But we don’t care Here the land is rich The sorrows are few And joy grows abundantly.

  The sublime speckle of droplets on the windshield Lifts me, awes me The deep roar against the metal roof And the lighter spattering on the glass Lull me, soothe me Lights on, radio off I lose myself in my senses I scout the wet morning I could drive like this forever Aimlessly Merging with the storm But not today I have places to be Maybe another time.

  Morning on the front porch Scanning the tree line Alert for the movement of squirrels and the like Outwardly I am quiet and still But there is a storm inside Thoughts whip by, threatening Or promising To carry me away Then gone, replaced by another Before I can grab hold I have my mug in both hands Just so I can hold on to something As I distractedly watch the tree line For a rustle or a swaying.